It’s okay to be a little selfish in your healing journey!
Everyone has their own struggles that they go through. For me, that has been chronic pain. If you are familiar with my story you know that my chronic pain started from a car accident in 2015. It has been over a decade and I have learned many lessons in that time!
I used to think my chronic pain was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I always thought of it in a negative way. It’s hard to think about chronic pain in a positive way. But the lessons I have learned from it and the person I have become are both things I’m really proud of.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that you need to focus on your self healing journey.
And when you are focused on your own healing there is no time for people pleasing! I know there are circumstances and situations in which you have to put others first. If it’s a family member or a loved one that could use your help or time – then of course we want to give that. But I’m talking about true people pleasing. Like the trait that we need to overcome to truly be in our own power.
I am a recovering people pleaser for sure! And there are times that it’s still hard for me to say no. But what I learned is that other people don’t take your decision of saying no as seriously or as hard as you might imagine. Given they are people who love and care for you!
Learning when to say no
I think it’s really important to first differentiate between loved ones and “people in your life”. That can be anywhere from co-workers, acquaintances, clients, etc. With people who are close to us we are more likely to say yes even when it’s hard for us. But this is different than doing it out of the people pleasing compulsion. Saying yes to people and things we truly care about is usually because we want to be there for them or help them out. And that’s a good thing!
But there will be times in life, even with loved ones, when we just do not have the capacity to do something. The thing is, people don’t know the reason we say no. They don’t know if we are saying no because we don’t care or because we are not capable of doing something due to our limitations.
For example, if a friend asks me to go to dinner there are days I can say yes no questions asked. On the other hand, I also have days when I am in so much pain there’s no way I can sit through a meal. But if I don’t explain this to my friend, they won’t understand why I’m all of a sudden unable to do something I was able to do on a different day.
Setting boundaries and clear expectations around your capacity
The first you need to get really clear on is how much capacity you have. If you haven’t started paying attention to your limitations then this can take some time. Healing journeys look different and we may be healing from different illnesses.
Personally, I had to start paying attention to monitor my chronic pain flare-ups. I also had to come to terms with the fact that every single day is different. I can’t predict when or what is going to cause my pain to worsen. But just from paying attention over the years I am able to gauge what things will cause a flare up.
For example, I know if I go to dinner on Friday night I will not plan another outing on Saturday. I try not to make plans two days in a row. But life happens and we can’t control everything so when life gets busy I do give myself grace. If I get a flare up from too many busy days in a row I tell myself it’s ok, a flare up might have been expected in this situation and I let myself rest.
By paying attention and learning the things that cause my pain to increase I have been able to set strong boundaries for myself and with the people in my life.
You have to be strong with your own boundaries in your self healing journey
Learning what caused my flare ups was the first step. This alone did not stop my need to say yes! It weirdly made me blame others for my pain. I would get upset when someone would ask me to do something thinking “they should know I can’t do this, I have chronic pain!”. But if I wasn’t telling them it made my pain worse, how would they know!? And from their end they’re just asking. I’m the one who has the power to say yes or no.
Taking responsibility
When I took responsibility and ownership of my decision and the impact they had on my chronic pain it made a huge difference. Not only was I able to confidently say no when I knew I couldn’t or shouldn’t do something. But I also stopped blaming others for not understanding. Because truly it was never their fault. How is anyone supposed to know what your limitations are? It’s your job to learn your own limitations and create those boundaries. Have open communication so your loved ones understand why you’re saying no.
People won’t take you saying no as personally as you think they will. To them it might just be a simple yes or no. And when we have a chronic illness we can come up with stories in our heads about what others will think. Or that they just don’t understand what you’re going through. This is why communication is so important.
Other people might never understand exactly what you are going through. But the more you try and understand your own capacity and limitations the easier it will be for you to stop people pleasing. It’s time to put our healing journeys ahead of saying yes because it’s too hard to say no!
Start to own your decisions and how you manage your time! Stand in your power and say yes when it feels right and no when it feels wrong. There’s a reason it’s called a healing journey! Every day we make decisions that help us heal. Some days we might make decisions that set us back and that’s ok. Remember to have self compassion and do the best you can!
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